Author: eveliens/eeevee
Genre : humor/ romance (?)
Characters: America, Canada, Russia; one-sided RussiaxAmerica, CanadaxRussia
Rating: T for language and implied sexual situations
Warnings: snarky!Canada, human names, college AU
Summary: Matthew had thought this over a million times, now he just had to voice his idea. He cleared his throat and whispered, “Hey, you want my twin brother, I like you; I think we can work something out here.”
A/N: This chapter started out exceedingly fun and just went... to emoland. Or something. But it's something very important Mattie needs to work out so... here we go...
Part Seven
Whatever Matthew was expecting from his brother, this definitely wasn’t it.
“Hey, Mattie, how do you put this on?” In his brother’s hands was a pack of patriotic condoms. The latex was adorned with bald eagle heads and the American flag. His brother had a shy, sheepish look on his face, although he didn’t seem to be embarrassed in the slightest. Matthew gagged at the gaudiness of the condoms before the thought hit him.
“Alfred Freeman Jones!” Matthew shrieked. Oh God, he was supposed to be looking after his brother; he promised their parents and that’s the only reason they were going to the same school! And all this time… all this time that dimwit was having unprotected sex? Mentally he began ticking off all the women he could remember Alfred dating and was appalled at the potential number of mini-Alfreds! Not to mention that now he’d have to make Al go get tested… and then all his partners, and… and…
“What!” Alfred yelped back. He dropped the condoms and bent down to pick them up. “And my middle name is not Freeman! It’s Fuckin’.”
“That’s a condom Al.” Matthew said slowly, trying to ignore the creeping panic in the back of his mind. This was beyond hysterical laughing; if he gave in to the panic he might stop breathing this time. “We learned how to put them on in sex ed. And if your middle name is Fuckin’ you should know how to use one for Godssake!”
“Duh, I know what it is, and I was asleep during that class. It was totally boring, and gross, like I wanted to see a baby being born!” Alfred retorted. “I didn’t know if I bought the right kind though. I didn’t know there were so many types, so I just bought the most expensive one. That’s got to be good, right?”
Matthew resisted the urge to throttle him.
“You IDIOT! How many times? Do you know how irresponsible that is! I can’t believe you, I just can’t believe you…” Matthew ranted, losing it. Alfred slowly sunk into himself looking trapped and terrified. He tried to step around Matthew a few times and was thrown back. Matthew wasn’t done with him. He was lucky Matthew didn’t castrate him to prevent him from making the gene pool anymore shallow than it already was! As the minutes rolled by, Matthew started losing steam. His face was bright red to match his favorite hoodie and violet eyes were practically bugging out of his head. He took a deep breath and counted to ten before adding in his normal whisper, “You’re such a dumbass Al.”
Alfred slowly uncurled, looking like a mildly retarded armadillo and gave a shaky grin, “So you won’t give me tips on kissing either?”
That cheeky bastard! He… wait. What?
“…Are you a… virgin?” Matthew slurred out the words, trying to get a grasp on this new, alternate reality he seemed to have been transported to. Somehow this one was far more terrifying than the thought of Alfred commanding an army of his kids. Alfred looked at him with wide eyes, silent and caught red-handed; Matthew knew that look—it was the hand in the cookie jar look! “You are, aren’t you!” Well, that explained why he couldn’t keep a girlfriend for more than a few weeks.
“So are you!” Alfred screamed back in mortification, his face turning scarlet. His blue eyes sparkled behind his glasses and Matthew was amazed. Part of him wished he had a video camera because this was a once in a lifetime event… Alfred was a crazy mess.
The bigger part of him made Matthew’s face light up in embarrassment, and he groaned into his hands. Was he really having this conversation? With his brother. In the school parking lot—oh shit, the parking lot. He looked around hastily to see what kind of audience they had gathered. Luckily it was late enough most of the students had either left campus or were in their dorms.
A small but deadly peanut gallery leered back at him. Ludwig and his cousin Roderich had stopped in mid-conversation and were staring at the twins in embarrassment. A few seconds later they were scuttling away as fast as possible back towards the dorms. Gilbert gave him a thumbs up and he flushed more. Francis and Toni snickered and gave a few wolf whistles. Alfred followed his gaze to Gilbert and his mouth fell open. He looked between the two several times, giving himself whiplash in the process, and gaped some more.
He whispered, sounding betrayed, “Seriously… you’re not?”
Matthew wanted to murder him. Seriously. Right now. Or at least punch him hard enough to knock him out and stop this grisly train wreck before they hit a broken bridge and plunged off the bridge like a scene out of those old westerns Alfred was so fond of. He found he couldn’t look his brother in the eye and glanced at Gilbert again.
Alfred bristled like a pissed cat, gave Matthew a dirty, angry look and shot Gilbert a venomous glare, “I’ll fucking kill him, that perverted bastard!”
Francis sniggered and purred out, “Alfred, perhaps there are others you should be asking for advice, oui? I am very knowledgeable and happy to share…” Matthew would bet he’d be happy to share. He probably had a list of all the “enlightened” conquests he had hidden in his diary.
“I’m not gay and Artie told me to say no to Frenchmen.” Alfred answered primly, looking away with his nose up in the air, then added in a surprisingly good imitation, “You bloody frog!”
Francis looked highly offended and his two friends were chuckling and cackling like mad at the slight. Alfred gave a small chuckle as well, doing one of his mysterious mood shifts, and stared at Gilbert. The albino leered back, his red eyes dancing. He purposely raised a hand and gave Alfred the finger before laughing some more.
“Ah, Alfredo, simply take it slow, get to know your partner.” Toni said smoothly with a wide smile glittering against his tan skin, “She will be less likely to slap you. Ladies do not like surprises.”
“Fuck that shit. The awesome me says take her from behind… women like it rough!” Gilbert chimed in and Matthew flushed again. He wasn’t sure about ladies but… “You’ll bore the shit outta her if you listen to these two romantic pussies!”
The trio engulfed Alfred, babbling over each other and bickering. Toni slung a companionable arm over Alfred and started to drag him away in a tight headlock. Francis had retrieved the condoms and was examining the box, clucking his tongue lightly. Gilbert sent Matthew a wink and licked his lips seductively before trotting off after Matthew’s captured brother and his two friends.
“Matvey prefers males? Although one would not choose that man as Matvey’s type.” Matthew jumped out of his skin at the voice behind him. He whirled to see Ivan peering down with curiosity open in his violet eyes. He gave a smile and added happily, “And Matvey is very pretty when he is red and angry!”
Pretty? Matthew’s brain was broken. Or it was on strike. Or it was left behind in reality, the one that made sense. Between the fact that Al was a virgin and couldn’t use a condom to save his man-bits and the fact that the previous fact would be spread all over the school like jello over girls in a plastic pool wrestling contest, his brain was busted.
How did Ivan know…? Oh shit, how did Alfred know? Matthew wanted a drink or a time machine, one of the two.
“Er, yeah.” Matthew muttered dolefully trying to remember at what point a rainbow flashed over his head like a cheap bar sign. He didn’t remember screaming I’m gay to the whole parking lot within the last five minutes.
Ivan blinked and asked, “Was it a secret? You are not very happy. They did not seem to judge you for it. I, likewise, do not judge.” Matthew bit his tongue at how hypocritical that would be if he did. But he had to remind himself that Ivan probably didn’t realize that he was an open picture book while he was drowning in drool over Alfred topless.
“It’s not them I’m worried about.” Matthew replied. And it was true. The Bad Touch Trio was notorious for their sexual conquests on both sides of the fence. And if no one else was available, then they always had each other as fuck buddy back up. No, he wasn’t really worried what they thought, and they knew he was gay anyway! He was sure Gilbert spilled blow-by-blow details of their sex life the way a sport announcer would give football plays, much to his protest. Well, he did until Matthew snuck hot peppers in his drink and acted completely innocent of the matter. Gilbert knew anyway; he smirked and wasn’t fazed at all, but he did stop saying it in front of Matthew. “It’s Al.”
Ivan frowned slightly, looking perplexed. He gave a tug on his scarf, clearly thinking. Matthew, despite his glum mood, couldn’t help but think he’d want to see the smooth skin and tendons hidden beneath the soft, cream fabric. See and touch and taste. Mentally he sighed and shoved the thought away hopelessly. He had bigger problems than his testosterone-fueled fantasies on his crush.
“Alfred will understand. He is your brother.” Ivan said finally and with certainty. He gave his scarf a pet and nodded affirmatively, “You give him too little credit. While he is lacking in some areas, he will support you.”
Matthew looked away uncertainty. He wished he could have that much faith in his brother, but Alfred had on numerous occasions been… well, not politically correct at the very least. Okay, well, he was a complete ass about it, braying at the hip-hop “no homo” lines and making merciless fun of the main-heroine’s stereotypical gay guy best friend and making mocking comments about gay rights on the news before he changed it to cartoons.
Then again, he seemed cool with all the bi-sexuals that surrounded him, including the three that had just dragged him off. But they weren’t Matthew; they weren’t his brother; and they weren’t gay. It was obvious that Alfred thought being bi-curious was a phase. And Alfred let other people get away with murder, but with close friends and family he did an about-face.
As much of a prick as Alfred was sometimes, Matthew couldn’t stand the thought of his twin hating him, being disgusted with him, shunning him. He felt his eyes and nose starting to prickle and felt a crushing urge to just sit down in the middle of the parking lot and bawl.
A large hand rested on Matthew’s curly hair then gave a few tentative pats, like Ivan was afraid to pressing too hard. He gratefully looked up and impulsively gave Ivan a hug. The Russian stiffened although he left his hand on Matthew’s head. Matthew hung on, enjoying the steady warmth and solid body he was pressed against. He felt safe, and his patience was rewarded when Ivan relaxed against him with a slight hum.
“Perhaps I should share a story with Matvey.” Ivan said slowly as if testing his words. He paused for a long moment before adding, “This… this is not something I have told many people.”
Matthew didn’t answer just buried his face in further and tightened his arms. With his nose stuck in the fabric, he could smell the faint odor of Tide and soap. He was curious about Ivan’s story but he wasn’t going to pry if Ivan wasn’t ready to share. Unlike Alfred, who would be pinky swearing himself to secrecy and begging unabashed.
“I am not an only child. I have a half-sister named Katerina. She and I were very close when we were little; however, as we grew, we grew apart. I found this very sad, but did not know how to mend our relationship.” Ivan said softly. His hand was now moving through Matthew’s hair tentatively, big fingers combing through small tangles and smoothing wayward curls. “Eventually she came here to go to school, leaving me alone with our parents. This is when…” Ivan shuddered slightly and Matthew gave a reassuring squeeze in response, “I do love Natalia… but like a sister. We used to play together as children, and it was lovely, but I do not wish to marry her!
“So I secretly called my sister, although we had not spoken for months. She said Natalia was a nice young lady but the choice should be mine. And I told her… I said that I was not interested in Natalia that way… that I was not interested in women that way. I was very afraid she would be mad but I had to tell someone. She told me to be happy because I was her beloved brother and I deserved it. It was… not what I was expecting, and I felt shame for doubting her.”
“Really?” Matthew’s voice was muffled by the fabric.
Ivan’s hand stopped slowly and rested on the nape of Matthew’s neck. The Russian pulled him back and forced his head up. He looked odd without his trademark smile, a serious half-frown on his face, “You will speak with Alfred, da?”
“Eventually.” He would kind of have to, since the two of them shared a studio apartment on the edge of campus. Alfred had wanted to live in the dorms to be close to the parties, not like he wasn’t invited to all of them anyway, and so he didn’t have to get up as early for football practice. But Matthew didn’t relish the thought of sharing a six person suite with college freshman. So they compromised.
Ivan gave his neck a warning squeeze and Matthew was reminded that Ivan wasn’t all sugar and spice. He had actually seen several displays of authoritative firmness and a touch of cruelty from the big Russian. Nothing serious but nothing that made him want to piss Ivan off either.
“I will talk to Alfred.” He said dutifully. And he would. Eventually… as in on his death bed or under torture. He was already considering how to not talk to Alfred… ever. Was that even possible? Matthew was sure he could distract his brother indefinitely… but only if Alfred wasn’t paying too much attention. And obviously, he had been paying plenty of attention…
“I am serious. You will speak to your brother.” Ivan’s voice was cold and commanding. There was no hint of a smile or childish playfulness in it.
“But, what if…” Matthew let the excuse die in his throat. There were a ton of what-ifs. He couldn’t think about it; just briefly touching it made him ill, and he clutched his stomach, letting go of Ivan’s chest. This wasn’t like a pimple; a fading blemish that went away with time. Admitting he was gay out loud was more like a scar he wouldn’t let heal. And Alfred had reopened it just as it had started to heal, after he had come out to their parents, and Ivan was peeling away the edges.
Ivan just gave him a final, hard pat and walked away, leaving Matthew in a tangle of worries and insecurities.
Omake:
Ivan: Alfred, who's this Jones person? I heard you were having sex with someone named Jones.
Al: ... uhhh, that's just weird Ivan. Where'd you hear that?
Ivan: Alfred said it :) but I need to know who this Jones person is so I can beat them to death *giggle*
Al: it's a phrase man, just a phrase. My middle name is Fuckin' and my last name is Jones. Get it?
Ivan: so you are having sex with yourself? I believe that goes by a different name.
Al: *blushes*
Ivan: do not worry, I sometimes do so myself.
Al: *utterly mortified* dude, I don't want to know about your masturbation! I just don't!
Matt: should've stuck with Freeman.
Ivan: who is this Freeman? Is he also having sex with Alfred?
Part Nine
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