[Hetalia] Operation Doppelganger 11/?

 

Title: Operation Doppelganger
Author:eveliens/eeevee
Genre : humor/ romance (?)
Characters: America, Canada, Russia; one-sided RussiaxAmerica, CanadaxRussia
Rating: T for some language and implied sexual situations
Warnings: snarky!Canada, human names, highschool AU
Summary: Matthew had thought this over a million times, now he just had to voice his idea. He cleared his throat and whispered, "Hey, you want my twin brother, I like you; I think we can work something out here."
A/N: This chapter didn’t remotely come out how I anticipated—but unfortunately, that’s pretty standard with this story. And because I was bored the other day, I did a Myers-Brigg on the characters: Alfred is an ENFJ, Matthew’s an ISTP, and Ivan’s an ENTJ (and Gil’s an ENFJ/ESFJ and Ludwig’s an ISTJ).

Don’t know what that is? Go here for an explanation (a test, silly assessment, and the real assessment):

http://www.wanderings.net/notebook/Main/REALMyers-BriggsPersonalityTypes

PS. I’m the thought police, so you guys better watch out ;)

Part Ten

Chapter Eleven

                Well, it was possible that the dinner could be more awkward, in an aliens-just-landed-on-the-table or Francis just proposed an orgy sort of way. Matthew was seated wedged between the silently sulking Alfred and the slightly nervous Toris. Ivan was across the table between his sister and Natalia.

Matthew, Alfred, and Toris were all staring at Natalia, although Matthew suspected that his reasons were very, very different from the other two guys. It was just way off into sci-fi to see Natalia trying to feed Ivan like he was a toddler. Ivan kept shoving the spoon away like a two-year-old, complete with fussy face, and trying to eat off his plate like a civilized adult. Katerina didn’t seem to notice as she cheerfully continued on, talking about her job as a nurse and living in America and how she met Toris.

Matthew had decided, with the few brain cells he could tear away from the sick scene before him, that she was, in fact, amazingly and against all odds, perfectly normal. Even if she did keep tearing up at random intervals. And was ignoring the all shades of weird behavior going on beside her.

“Toris is great. I feel so much better since he started touching me!” she gushed happily and Toris quailed under Ivan’s sudden, heavy stare. He fiddled with his napkin, “I’m a massage therapist. Katerina has problems with her back.”

Katerina sighed heavily and proceeded to place her two excessively large breasts on the table like a pair of personal watermelons, “They are so heavy! Sometimes I’m afraid I’ll trip forward because it’s hard to keep my balance.”

Alfred’s eyes practically popped out of his head. A small sliver of drool escaped the corner of his mouth and Matthew hoped he would have enough sense not to wolf whistle, if he even could. Matthew had decided he truly could not talk for whatever reason. Which did not stop him from making extremely rude faces and wild gestures LIKE he was talking. Even Toris blushed and tried to be discreet about his staring.

“Toris is only touching Katerina’s back?” Ivan rumbled and swatted the spoon away without looking. A dark look covered his face.

“Yes sir.” Toris replied with only a slight tremor. He stared steadily forward but most of the blood had drained out of his face making him look even more girlish, “I take my job very seriously and would never do anything unprofessional.”

Katerina looked between them then put a hand on Ivan’s bicep, “Toris is very good to me, brother. He is a good man, so don’t worry.” And if she wondered why Ivan didn’t relax in the slightest, she didn’t care because she proceeded to add, “He knows just how to please me and works on my spots until I am finished.”

Alfred was silently sniggering and nudging the stock-still and petrified Toris in the ribs. Matthew sincerely hoped that Ivan’s grasp of English was as literal as Katerina’s seemed to be. Alfred nudged Toris too hard and sent him into Matthew. Matthew scowled and whispered obnoxiously, “Virgin wonder.”

Matthew practically oozed satisfaction as Alfred’s face turned red and he went back to his burger, not-so-discreetly flipping Matthew off with the other hand. Matthew returned the favor with a peace sign, which he knew was Alfred’s favorite way of responding to the bird. Alfred’s lip stuck out, complete with chewed up ground beef, and Matthew groaned but still felt like he won.

He was never, ever, ever going to live that one down. It was the perfect blackmail material until the two were old and senile.

“Er, um,” Matthew floundered, sensing it was up to him to prevent homicide this evening. Usually Alfred would break up tense situations by cracking an asinine joke and making a fool of himself. Matthew really wasn’t good at being laughed at. Hell, he wasn’t even good at being the center of attention. When all eyes focused in on him he silently groaned. Why did he think his brother being silent was good again? “So how about that football game last Saturday?”

Alfred would say that, right? Actually, he’d probably say something along the lines of: did you see that killer victory I gave my team? I was totally awesome. TOUCHDOWN! This would be complete with both hands being flipped up in the air upsetting the table and dumping drinks in the girls’ laps.

Matthew flushed as they all stared at him, except Alfred, who had his mouth going like a carp on crack, but couldn’t say a world.

“When are you returning home, Natalia?” Toris asked, shifting their attention and breaking the mood.

“I have arranged to stay until Ivan has finished his school year. I understand how important it is to him to complete his schooling and will support him. Then he will be an even better husband for me.” Natalia purred and latched onto Ivan’s arm.

“That’s wonderful!” Katerina beamed, “So we can get together often!”

Ivan shuddered and Alfred looked pleased until he saw how interested Toris was and scowled. Matthew just sunk lower in his chair. Month and months of crazy, obsessed knife-woman?

“That is—unexpected.” Ivan managed. “Excuse me. I must go to the rest room.” To barf out my guts and cry over the toilet. That’s what Matthew would be doing anyway. Maybe Ivan would make voodoo dolls and drink 120 proof vodka instead.

An awkward silence flew down for the kill. It had been circling patiently and now it was going to kill the entire evening. Even Toris wouldn’t be able to salvage the situation. Alfred, frustrated and mute, chomped viciously into his burger, ignoring the proceedings with an air of indifference. He almost blended into the background—except even his chewing was loud and irritating. And every so often he kicked Toris with a random swing, who yelped in surprise.

Fail. At least Matthew wasn’t the only one who failed at being someone else. Alfred was Fail City too. No, Fail Country. Even mute he couldn’t pretend to be Matthew.

“I’ll go check on him.” Matthew whispered, sliding his chair back after ten minutes. It sounded distinctly Sex and the City-ish (and Liz made him and Gil watch it—it was under duress!), like he was going to the powder room to provide some make-up and a shoulder to cry on, but Alfred was still pouting and no one else heard him.

Of course, Ivan wasn’t in the restroom. Who wanted to go in a room where men peed on the floor and stopped up the sink with paper towels? Matthew wondered if he had gone home before remembering their conversation on the way to the school.

He slipped out the back, walking straight through the busy kitchen without so much as a stray glance thrown his way, and tapped on the dumpster lid.

“Ivan?”

There was some shuffling inside before the lid creaked up and suspicious purple eyes peered out. The lid rose a little more and Matthew felt like he was in some sort of strange spy movie. He half expected to be shot at and launch into an epic chase scene, just with a sexy Russian guy instead of a sexy Russian girl. Mmm, well, if his life went like the movie, a little adrenaline and adventure would be worth the end, with the Russian writhing beneath—

Wait, was Ivan a top or bottom?

“Matvey?”

“Can I come in?” Because Matthew knew Ivan wasn’t coming out. He came to the conclusion that Ivan liked Alfred because Alfred had a similar personality. And going along that line of thought, Alfred would never come out of the closet if he was hiding from ghosts. So Ivan probably wasn’t coming out of the dumpster for the same reason. Personally, Matthew thought Ivan’s reasons and fears were far more legit. Natalia was way scarier than any ghost or zombie.

The lid opened a little more in invitation. Matthew stuck his head in and wrinkled his nose. Although the dumpster had obviously been emptied earlier in the day, there was a lingering odor that Matthew had a sneaking suspicion would soak into his hair. Great, he’d have to break out the salon-strength shampoo tonight.

He wasn’t as tall as Ivan, so when he tried to get in, he ended up scrabbling around. Ivan rose up out of where he was hunched on the bottom and hauled him in. The lid closed over them, trapping them together with the smell. Light from the alley shined in through a crack.

“So?”

Ivan sat in the corner of the dumpster with his knees drawn up to his chest. He grunted unhappily.

“Okay, you’re unhappy, I get it. But it’s not the end of the world, right? I mean, you can… you can always crash at our place, you know, whenever.” Matthew offered, “Use the shower, crash on the couch, get away. Tuesdays are pizza nights and we have poker games every other Friday.”

“Matvey is just being nice because we are hiding in a place where trash is disposed of.” Ivan grumbled, cracking an eye over his knee. Okay, Ivan did have a point; he wanted to coax Ivan out of the dumpster, but that wasn’t his main motive. Matthew scooted closer on his bottom, in the back of his mind realizing he was going to owe Arthur a new pair of pants, and pressed his side lightly to Ivan’s legs.

“I mean it.” Matthew insisted, placing a hand on Ivan’s knee gently. “Al and I are your friends. We want you to be happy.”

Now both eyes were peeking over his knees along with his kissable, big nose.

“Besides, Natalia has to give up some time. And you’re getting along with your sister. Plus, the more time you spend with her, the closer you’ll get.”

“Like Matvey and Alfred?”

Er, something like that…

“Who knows, maybe Alfred will win Natalia over and she’ll give up on you.” Ivan looked a mixture of horrified and mournful at the thought. Matthew took the opportunity to sling his other arm over Ivan’s broad shoulders and pulled, pushing past Ivan’s legs, so that they were side to side. If Matthew were a chick this would be the perfect time to tilt his head and nestle into the junction, maybe with a nuzzle or a nip or two. Since he wasn’t a chick, he settled for a manly pat. Somehow it wasn’t the same.

Ivan sighed at the contact and before Matthew knew what was happening, he was pushed over Ivan’s lowered leg and tugged flush to Ivan’s front. He stifled a gasp, heart beating practically out of his chest, and tried to breathe. Not normally, just breathe. Period.

Ivan’s legs slid up around him warmly and big arms looped loosely, possessively around his torso. Ivan sighed again, sounded a little more relaxed and content. Matthew tried to relax into him, sinking into the warm body behind him. Ivan’s chin rested lightly on his head.

They stayed like that so long that Matthew started to doze. His nose was numb to the smell and he was very comfortable. Ivan made a great pillow. He was soft and firm in all the right places.

Abruptly Ivan jumped. Startled into wakefulness, Matthew caught the call the second time.

“I think they’re looking for us. Your sister must be so worried!” Matthew struggled to stand and almost landed in Ivan’s lap. Man, he hated those tingles you got in your legs after they went to sleep. Only because he knew in a couple seconds it was going to feel like someone was trying to acupuncture him with a pincushion.

They were lucky to make their reappearance to Alfred and Toris. Toris merely raised an eyebrow before a look of understanding and embarrassment crossed his features. Alfred, the dumbass, gave Matthew a thumbs up and a huge, lecherous grin. That utter asshole! Just because Matthew wasn’t a virgin didn’t mean he’d have sex in a dumpster.

“There was a kitten…” Matthew offered lamely. How come it always sounded believable when Alfred said it? “It was stuck, so we had to free it. You know how that is.”

Toris nodded dutifully, although he put Alfred between them. Apparently he decided the mute one was the safest of the trio.

Meow!

Wait, what?

Matthew turned startled to Ivan, who was holding up a squirming little kitten by the scruff. The small animal swung widely, meowing and pawing the air.

“It is very cute, da? Much like Matvey is when he squirms.” Ivan gave a smile. What the hell? Ivan was now pulling kittens out of thin air. It was kinda cute… huh? Squirm? Matthew did not squirm! Squirm was such a weak word, intended for weasels and cute baby cats.

“Ivan!” Katerina smiled with relief, “Toris, thank you for finding him.”

Toris blushed and both Ivan and Natalia, who was following the big busted woman, glared at him.

“We were afraid you had been hurt when you did not return. Or that you were angry! I was so worried.”

“No. Matvey and I merely—.” At that moment the kitten meowed again, complaining from where Ivan had tucked it in the crook of his arm.

“A kitty!” Katerina cooed and Natalia made a face. She scooped it up from Ivan and rubbed noses. The kitten blinked through unfocused blue eyes and sneezed. “Oh how darling. Where is the mother? She must be so worried.”

“It is an orphan.” Ivan explained innocently and Matthew hoped that he hadn’t just eaten the mother masquerading as fried chicken. “Abandoned. Perhaps you should be its mother?”

Katerina flushed with pleasure the frowned, “I would love to but my apartment does not allow pets.”

“I could take care of him and you can visit. I’m sure my brothers wouldn’t mind. Raivis has been begging for a pet for awhile.” Toris offered with a small smile. Matthew had to feel sorry for the guy. It was obvious he had a huge crush on Katerina. It was equally obvious that she had no idea and thought he was just a friend. 

What was worse was that Ivan and Natalia weren’t as oblivious and Toris better watch his mail box for poisonous snakes.

“Could you? Oh, that would be wonderful! Thank you!” Katerina hugged Toris, squishing the kitten between them. She let go of Toris and went up to Ivan, kissing him chastely on the cheek, “Thank you for the dinner. And for introducing me to your friends. Matvey, Alfred, please look after Ivan.”

Matthew was bursting with curiosity but didn’t manage to ask until Toris and Katerina had driven off and Alfred had convinced Natalia to let him walk her home.

“Where’d you get the kitten?”

Ivan blinked, “The dumpster.”

“No, really.”

“The kitten was quite loud when I was leaving, so I found it in the trash container. That is why I was there when you came. It slept in my scarf and it was going to be a present for Matvey. But Katerina looked so lonely, and Katerina was so happy to have the kitten. I am sorry.” Ivan looked down, gauging his reaction with worried violet eyes.

“Er, I’m allergic to cats.”

Ivan gave an amused snort, “Matvey has red bumps on his neck.”

“Yeah, that’s what happens when I touch them. I must have gotten cat hair on me from your scarf.” Matthew tried to scratch his upper back along the spine. Big fingers scraped along his spine making him jump, “Did it hurt? I was attempting to be gentle.”

“No, it felt great.” Matthew blushed and squirmed under Ivan’s playful smile.

Ivan leaned over and breathed in Matthew’s ear, “Matvey likes being touched. Perhaps I can please him as Toris pleases Katerina?”

Oh, God, so sexy. And completely clueless.

Toris was safe for another day. Unless Natalia had understood the inadvertent innuendo.

Matthew scrounged up a smile through the haze of hormones and fantasy those words inspired, “Just scratch. You owe me for making me all itchy.”

Part Twelve