Author: eveliens/eeevee
Genre : humor/ romance (?)
Characters: America, Canada, Russia; one-sided RussiaxAmerica, CanadaxRussia
Rating: T for language and implied sexual situations
Warnings: snarky!Canada, human names, college AU
Summary: Matthew had thought this over a million times, now he just had to voice his idea. He cleared his throat and whispered, “Hey, you want my twin brother, I like you; I think we can work something out here.”
A/N: Two questions were posed to me by the peanut gallery-- er, the guinea pigs.
1. It's weird Arthur is Alfred's friend. Why are they the same age?
I'll admit it, I'm a fan of both FACE and FrUk, but it didn't occur to me when I started this story to do that. Plus, there's that weird logistics peeve of mine about gay parents having gay kids. And I like Arthur and Alfred as friends :)
2. Vodka?
Ivan drinks, yes, but since this is an AU and since he IS a foreign exchange student, alcohol isn't the center of his existence. To get into those programs you can't have big problems like excessive drinking/drugs. He's more interested in staying in the States than guzzling liquor.
Part Four
Matthew stomped out of the locker room and searched around the room. The feelings of inadequacy and shame had filtered away leaving something he preferred to keep on the hockey ice. Anger. He was feeling vexed. He was beyond vexed. He was fucking livid. His brother was such an asshole!
Glancing around, he tried to remember who he was looking for. Long blond hair, like a princess… with knives. Surely they wouldn’t let her in with knives… if she came. Maybe she wasn’t here at all. Maybe Alfred was delusional and this was all a dream.
Matthew shoved his way between people, not bothering to say excuse me. They wouldn’t hear him anyway. He was about to give up and head back to the locker room when he saw her in the corner.
First thing that struck him was that she was way too classy for his brother. He didn’t see any obvious knives, although he did consider her nice, expensive skirt might be hiding them. The lack of weapons didn’t really help though. Because she was definitely an ice queen.
Scary!
Ivan was right. This girl was giving off some seriously scary vibes. Like she would enjoy castrating with a rubber band and a sharp, shiny knife if a guy looked at her wrong.
He was about to head back into the locker room when Ivan’s pleading face came to mind. Reluctantly he pulled out the phone. He was pretty sure that this was Alfred’s Natalia, like one hundred and ten percent, his brother was just that crazy, but he guess he needed to make sure it was Ivan’s Natalia. Really, what were the odds that some crazy stalker would chase Ivan halfway across the globe, hunt him down in a small town and show up at his unofficial hockey game? Those odds were like Arthur saying no to a free beer or Berwald giving a rousing speech on Catholicism.
“Um, excuse me Miss…” Matthew said, taking a few steps closer. She stared past him with cold, pale eyes. Matthew fought down the urge to compare her to the White Witch from Narnia. Taking another step forward, he steadied the phone and made sure the camera was on. Slowly inching forward, like he was creeping up to a basking rattlesnake, he tried again, “Natalia?”
Her head whipped around and he yelped, instinctively snapping the picture in her face with the flash. She leapt up and he bolted with a death grip on the phone because Alfred would kill him if his new phone was damaged.
He tore into the locker room and glanced around in a panic. Most of the people had already gotten dressed and were warming up on the ice. Ivan was nowhere in sight (that little pansy!) and Alfred was rifling through someone else’s locker.
“Oh, hi, Mattie.” Alfred giggled nervously, “You don’t have any pants on… and, uh, do you have any deodorant? I lost mine and phew.” Matthew threw the phone at him and darted around the corner willing his invisibility power to kick in. Hands grabbed him and he almost screamed but a big palm wrapped around his mouth and a strong arm pulled him behind another stand of lockers.
“Shhh!” Ivan hissed then added calmly, “I see you have met Natalia.”
Matthew gulped and replied as dignified as he could manage blowing like a skittish race horse, “I do believe I have, eh? I, er, understand now.” Understand was an understatement.
The two stood with Matthew pressed tightly against Ivan’s chest, which he could feel hammer away beneath him, listening intently as the door slammed open. Ivan buried his face in Matthew’s hair and had a white-knuckled grip on his bare shoulders. Absurdly enough, the only thing Matthew was thinking about was the realization that he ran around half-naked in front of a good portion of the town! Mortified, he tried to shrink back into Ivan. He knew that his near-naked hurdling run across the rink was sure to be on youtube within the hour, courtesy of either Gilbert or Liz.
He could see the captions now: Invisi-boi streaks with White Witch in pursuit (keywords: superheroes, pussywhipped, and hot girl) and Cheating boy nerd caught with girl’s boyfriend (keywords: yaoi, boyonboy, boyxboy, naked, and sexy).
“Hi Nat!” Alfred’s chipper voice floated back to their hiding place and Matthew could picture his million watt smile as he waved with the incriminating phone in hand. “You do realize that you’re not a guy and this is the men’s changing room, right? Not that I mind. You should’ve come in earlier when I was more undressed.”
“I believe I saw enough of your weak form just moments ago.”
“Weak!” Weak?! Matthew was not weak. Sure, he didn’t come with a built in six pack, but his body was nicely toned. Plenty of people complimented him on it.
“Matvey is not weak.” Ivan whispered into his hair. Matthew would be feeling warm tinglies about that statement if Ivan wasn’t using him as a human shield.
“Listen, I think we got off on the wrong foot.” Alfred smoozed, turning on the charm. There was a crashing sound and Alfred shrieked, “My phone! Don’t hurt it! Now, now, let’s be calm here. There’s no need to hurt the innocent phone. I’ll just put my hand out… aggh!” More crashing noises and Ivan trembled behind Matthew.
“Remove my picture from this device. Immediately.” Natalia demanded and Matthew could hear Alfred continuing to beg and grovel for his phone’s life. There was a sigh of relief and some button pressing.
“See? It’s gone.”
“Good. Now where is my beloved Ivan?” her voice took on a creepy quality that one could mistake for warm and fuzzy… if you were talking about a wolverine. Matthew reached back with one arm and awkwardly gave Ivan a reassuring rub.
Silence.
“Do not make me repeat myself.” Matthew always hated when the bad guys in movies said that. It was a lame threat and one… one Alfred would have to respond to as the hero. Well, she asked for it, using such a trite cliché.
“Or what?” Oh yes, cue the cocky hero.
“Excuse me?” Ice dripped off her words.
“You look beautiful. Beautiful women shouldn’t threaten people. Why don’t you let me take you to lunch?”
“Is there any intelligence in that vacuous, attractive head of yours?” Natalia sounded affronted and slightly puzzled that Alfred invited her out to lunch. “I merely wish to see my beloved Ivan! Tell me where he is so I can do so as soon as possible!”
“You think I’m good-looking? I don’t know what that other word meant, but I am damn fine. You and I would make a good couple; we’d be the talk of the town.” Well, that was definitely true, although perhaps not in the positive way Alfred imagined. Oh God, did he always sound this cheesy?
“Alfred is very good looking.” Ivan agreed, “But his true virtue lies in his ability to entertain.” After hanging out with the Russian for the past three weeks, Matthew still wasn’t sure if Ivan meant the comment genuinely or if he was doling out a backhand compliment.
“You are attractive… to some women. But my Ivan is much more handsome. And not a whore.” Natalia replied primly and Matthew bit back a giggle. Alfred gave a mock scandalized gasp and then chuckled, “I prefer serial monogamy. I’m not a cheater you know, and I don’t carry cooties.”
A small snort echoed around the locker room in answer.
“So that’s a dinner? C’mon, let me pay you back for the picture, please?”
“No.”
“Please?”
“I am not interested.”
“Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaseeeeeeeeee?
“You are such a child!”
“Is that a yes?”
“Will you be quiet if I agree?”
“Zip my lips and promise.” Matthew pictures him doing so with his fingers.
“Fine. Then I will accompany you to dinner. However, it will not be tonight. I must find dear Ivan, and if he is not here, then I will search elsewhere.”
“Sweet! Can I have your phone number?” Alfred’s voice slowly faded away as he, Matthew assumed, dogged Natalia out the door.
The wicked witch had been confused and abused by the bumbling hero while he cowered around the corner. That was just great. Matthew was just the half-naked pansy that ran screaming into Ivan’s arms. Smooth as a pancake.
“Is she leaving?” Ivan whispered into Matthew’s hair. It tickled and he squirmed a little. Ivan’s death grip had relaxed leaving one arm looped lightly around his bare waist and the other hand tucked over his shoulder. Matthew leaned back and looked up, viewing Ivan’s face upside down. He gave a tentative smile, “I think Al dealt with her. Do you still want to play?”
Ivan gave a smile in return and nodded. Matthew tried to walk free and gave an experimental tug. Ivan’s arms followed him then locked up.
“Ivan, you have to let go. I need a uniform. And some pants. Little things,” Matthew said, while he leaned back into Ivan. Way to make him let go. “So we can play.”
Reluctantly Ivan let go and said innocently, “Matvey looks much better without a shirt, but that would be very cold. Perhaps you should get ready, so that we can play.”
Part Six
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