Title: Operation Doppelganger 10/?
Author: eveliens/eeevee
Genre : humor/ romance (?)
Characters: America, Canada, Russia; one-sided RussiaxAmerica, CanadaxRussia
Rating: T for language and implied sexual situations
Warnings: snarky!Canada, human names, college AU
Summary: Matthew had thought this over a million times, now he just had to voice his idea. He cleared his throat and whispered, “Hey, you want my twin brother, I like you; I think we can work something out here.”
A/N: Nothing much to say… Katerena=Ukraine. Toris= Lithuania.
Matthew sat at the table, brow furrowed and calculator in hand. Ever since he was a child, he had always sat at the dinner table to do his homework. Alfred usually joined him (although Matthew sincerely doubted he was actually doing anything more productive than asking Matthew for help every three point seven five minutes). However, he had some football club activity (or so he said; Matthew, quite frankly, had the sneaking suspicion he was stalking the stalker who was stalking the other stalker).
With a sigh he set down his ball point pen and tucked his graphing calculator in its case. It was too hard to concentrate with all the peace and quiet. Not that he’d ever tell Alfred that because then his brother’s incessant chatter would turn eternal. And this was the guy that even talked in his sleep because he literally could. Not. Shut. Up. Seriously, Alfred might spontaneously combust if he couldn’t talk for a day.
He glanced at the clock and jumped. Shit, it was that late already? He was supposed to meet Ivan, Natalia and Alfred in forty-five minutes and he hadn’t taken a shower or gotten dressed. Hastily trotting to his room, he dove into his closet, searching for something suitable. What was appropriate for meeting your not-boyfriend’s family? He didn’t have much of a range of casual clothing. There were his everyday clothes and then his suit. As snazzy as the suit was, he was pretty sure that was overkill.
After going through his wardrobe ten times, Matthew sighed. Way to act like a pre-pubescent girl on her first date, he told himself mockingly. He almost resigned himself to pulling out some non-holey jeans and a clean hoodie when he remembered Alfred’s closet.
Alfred was a clothes whore, there was no mistaking it. He could be on that Hoarders show or compete with Ken from Barbie’s dream house. Funny, he didn’t care for shoes, saying shoe collecting was “girly” and “so gay,” but pink and purple polos were completely acceptable.
But Matthew wasn’t interested in Alfred’s clothing. Despite being almost the same size, his brother’s flamboyant and tasteless selection made Matthew prefer prison stripes to his gaudy outfits. And somehow they never hung the same on Matthew’s slighter frame, making him look like he was playing dress-up. No, he was looking for Arthur’s clothing. Which would be neatly hung in the corner of the closet, pressed and wrinkle-free. Arthur didn’t leave a lot of his possessions in Alfred’s care but he left emergency clothing in the closet after an unfortunately series of events that left him drunk, naked, and streaking home. And yes, the hair down there matched his eyebrows, much to Matthew’s dismay and embarrassment.
Pulling out a nice pair of black slacks, Matthew hoped they fit. He’d pass on the sweater vests and pick something milder out of Alfred’s drawers. Going back to his room, he picked up some socks and underwear to lay out on the bed with the rest of the clothing (he might be borrowing clothing but another guy’s underwear was crossing the line!) before heading to the bathroom.
The shower was quick and hot and he barely bothered to dry himself off before wrapping the towel around his waist and heading back to his room.
“Oh holy shit!” Matthew swore in surprise and let go of the towel. It slid off his hips and he dove after it. Ivan just watched with interest as he tried to wrangle the towel and keep himself covered at the same time. “How did you get in here?”
Ivan held up a single key and swung it back and forth.
Dammit Alfred, retrieve your spare keys! Well, at least it was just Ivan this time. Not nearly as awkward as the time Matthew went to pee at 2 am and found some of Alfred’s football buddies high as kites “paddling a canoe” in the bathtub.
Matthew tried to ignore Ivan’s eyes sliding over his body as he went towards his clothes. He got to the bed and started by putting on the first thing he grabbed. Socks, oh yes, that was soooooooo useful.
“Why are you here? Am I late or something?” Matthew asked, fumbling with the shirt. It was a classy navy button up and so not Alfred. Must have been a present from some aunt or other. It probably had been intended for Matthew at one point and time but the aunt forgot his name and wrote Alfred to cover it up. It had happened before, much to Alfred’s disgust to receive a fuzzy polar bear nightie at age seven. Of course, it was hilarious when he pitched a fit and got all of his presents taken away until he apologized. Matthew had been smirking the whole time behind his plush bear.
“No, I am currently seeking refuge.”
“From Natalia?” Like the Russian would be hiding from anything else. It could be a re-enactment of Aliens and Ivan would laugh as the alien popped out of the body (then proceed to beat it to a smushy pulp with some random pipe).
“She will not find me here.” Ivan nodded, eyes still wandering over Matthew, a small smile on his face. “This is Alfred’s place of residence.”
“I’m sure she knows—oh.” Oh. Of course Natalia wouldn’t look here. Because she was avoiding Alfred like he was a flea-infested plague-carrying bilge rat that had mange and leptospirosis. She might actually take the rat over Alfred at this point. And kiss it.
“You’ll have to see her at dinner.” Matthew reminded him and Ivan grimaced slightly. He fiddled with his fingers and frowned a bit, “Katerina will be happy to see both of us.”
“See, this is why you’re such a good person. And I’m sure Natalia will behave herself in front of your sister and her friend.” Actually, Matthew highly doubted it. From the few times Natalia had managed to corner Ivan, she seemed dead set on making herself a creepy-as-hell, exorcist-worthy possessor of his mind, body and soul. It didn’t seem to matter who was around, the girl was fixated, obsessed. And in the States, well, that was a mental disorder.
By now Matthew had managed to put on everything but the slacks and some decent shoes. His eyes scanned the bed, while he was painfully aware Ivan could see his asscheeks peeking from beneath his briefs and his somewhat skinny chicken legs. Where’d the pants go?
“Here.” Ivan said and Matthew whirled around to see he was holding the slacks, “These do not belong to you.”
“No, they’re Arthur’s. A little bit short but better than Alfred’s leather-studded rock star pants. Those things chafe.” Matthew blurted out. And then he wanted to crawl under the bed. He did not just admit to wearing those… abominations (although Gilbert said they made his ass look delicious, if that counted for anything). He flushed and added, “It was on a dare. I don’t normally wear that kind of stuff!”
Ivan merely handed him the slacks without a word and Matthew flushed harder. No judging, no judging! God, he hoped Ivan wasn’t turned off by him in leathers. They really did hug too tight, both in the front and the back, and the waist was a little loose showing off his navel. That reminded him, he was sure Gilbert still had copies of those photos… which meant that Liz and Francis did too… he’d have to see if he was tagged on Facebook!
The two sat in silence for the rest of the time in the house. Great, just great, Ivan now needed mind bleach. Maybe Matthew could cancel the image out with one equally horrifying? The only thing that came to mind was the one time Matthew was putting a calculus program on Kiku’s laptop. He didn’t care if a deep-sea squid had a penis longer than its arms and body that was made for penetration… he didn’t want to see it… at all to be honest, but especially not like that. And why did Kiku have it as his screensaver anyway? And did it have to be animated with sound?
“Um, ready?”
Ivan inclined his head, “As much as is possible considering the circumstances. I am very nervous.”
Matthew mustered up a smile.
“I was merely planning potential escape routes.” Ivan added seriously. “I have already mapped the restaurant. There is a dumpster in the back that is large enough for a temporary hiding place.”
Eww, overshare.
Matthew brushed through his hair and pushed Ivan out the door, locking it behind them. With every step he could feel the nervousness ball up in his stomach tighter and tighter. He assumed that Ivan’s sister was normal but considering Ivan himself and Natalia, it just didn’t seem likely. He spent the whole way to the school imagining more and more horrifying renditions of Katerina until he was convinced she was really a cross-dressing serial killer who drove an ice cream truck.
They turned the corner and he eyed the woman who was speaking earnestly with Natalia. Well, she appeared normal enough and didn’t look like a serial killer (what did a serial killer look like anyway?). She went to put a hand on Natalia’s shoulder and the blond snagged it midair. Crack. The hand was withdrawn hastily.
Ivan frowned but didn’t say anything.
“Um, hi, I’m Matthew.” Matthew squeaked. As usual, they ignored him. Matthew was convinced that he actually spoke on another plane of existence and that’s why when he met new people they couldn’t see, hear or feel him. Or he was a ghost. He had bounced that one off Alfred which ended in much screaming and bedlam. He poked Ivan in the ribs and hissed, “Introduce me, would you?”
Usually if someone else pointed him out (like when Matthew first met Ivan Alfred brought him up) people could see him perfectly. Ivan grunted at him and Matthew chalked it up to being in close contact with Natalia. He was probably deeply immersed in fighting his basest survival instincts just to be within ten feet of his natural predator.
“Oh Ivan dear!” Natalia cooed making both the woman beside her and Ivan jump. Her eyes lit up like a hell-fire preacher offered the road to salvation. Ivan gave a nervous little smile and waved slightly, “Natalia, you seem well.”
Matthew barely jumped out of the way as she latched onto Ivan like a man-eating leech. Ivan whimpered slightly and tried to edge away.
“Aren’t you going to say anything to your sister?” Matthew asked, trying to distract Ivan. Three pairs of eyes flickered over to him and zeroed in. Natalia started making this sound like she was trying to laugh but her windpipe was too rusty. Ivan cocked his head, puzzled, “But Matvey, my sister is not here yet.”
Matthew’s head whipped around towards the other woman. He took in the shoulder length brown hair and slim figure and green eyes. Everyone caught his look. Ivan slowly started to chuckle as well, “That is not my sister.”
“Katerina went to use the lady’s room.” The “woman” said in a surprisingly deep voice, “I’m her friend, Toris.”
Matthew instantly went beet red. He was sure it was quite an attractive color against the navy blue shirt. Stuttering and stammering an apology, he looked at Toris again and realized either “she” was really flat or didn’t have moobies. Toris started to stammer back that it was alright, it happened all the time, not to worry. Between the two they were having a stammering, stuttering fest where Ivan watched with sick amusement and Natalia rolled her eyes in boredom. Thank god Alfred wasn’t here yet.
“Ah, Ivan!” This voice was clearly female and the body it belonged to was even more so. Matthew was not a breast man, but he swore he heard those things bounce! Boobs swaddled in thick layers of fabric should not be making sound effects like in a cartoon. And her running in slow motion? A straight man’s wet dream. She almost made it to Ivan before tripping. The Russian lunged forward to grab her, dragging Natalia along for the ride. The three of them went down like a play in Alfred’s football game, Matthew getting a good look up Natalia’s skirt in the process; he sincerely hoped she didn’t notice. Katerina was laughing and crying and hugging and suffocating both unfortunate victims with her chest. Ivan had a bashful smile plastered on his face that made Matthew’s heart flutter uncomfortably. He loved Ivan’s real, rare smiles, and this one was especially sweet. Even Natalia had a small smile on her lips as she gave a small hug back.
“So, how do you know Ivan?” Toris asked, glancing over curiously at Matthew.
“We both go to the university. I met him through my brother Alfred.” Matthew hated getting-to-know-you small talk. He shuffled around for a moment, wishing he was invisible. Why was he so damn awkward? Obviously Toris was a nice guy; it’s not like he was asking creepy stalker information like, what’s your blood type or you look hot naked in the window at night, please don’t shut your blinds anymore.
He felt a tap on his shoulder and whirled around. Alfred was looking sulky, although he kept stealing glances at Natalia and Ivan, probably just Natalia, every few seconds.
“You scared the shit out of me, Al!” Matthew yelped. His brother just stared at him with a pout, his lip stuck out. Okay, this was just creepy. Alfred was never silent… unless he was sneaking up on someone… but that was only so he could yell as loud as he could in the person’s ear (his favorite victim seemed to be Arthur followed by Kiku; he claimed he was learning other languages by getting cussed out never mind that English was still English). A few more minutes ticked by with Alfred trying to use osmosis or some shit by staring intensely at Matthew. “I don’t know what you want! Use your words!” How many times had Matthew heard that one?
Alfred snorted and threw his hands up in the air dramatically. Then he sulked some more.
“Maybe he can’t talk?” Toris suggested, eyeing Alfred with open curiosity.
Alfred nodded.
Brilliant, just brilliant. Matthew could see how this evening was going to go. He would have to pretend to be Alfred and Alfred would have to be him… this had some serious potential to be disastrous.
